The Breast Cancer Journey Never Stops - V2 - Countdown to Chemo

Thank you for continuing to follow my Breast Cancer journey as I open the curtain into the raw, unfiltered, emotional, and sometimes comical side of my own personal experience with BC.

If you're new to my blog, welcome and I'll give you a little context. I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer in late 2014 with treatments taking me through August of 2015. I'm approaching my 10 year cancer-versary next month. I've shared some of my journey here and there, but was never ready to completely pull back the curtain until now. It took a lot of self-discovery, physical and mental healing along with time to get to the point where I could be 100% vulnerable in what I had to share. Buckle up and hope this can help someone through their journey, understand someone who's going through it right now, or simply encourage someone to get their annual exam.

That first day felt more like 72 hours instead of just 24.

Some of the the following days were just as long while others flew by at double or even triple pace.

However, the first weekend was somewhat of a blur. I wasn't ready to tell everyone as I was still unpacking what this meant for me and it whether or not it was real or a dream. I was walking around in a shell of my former self. I only had the power to tell a couple of close friends with so many other thoughts consuming and swirling in my head.

• What was I going to tell them at work?
• How was I going to tell everyone?
• Is there a way I could keep it quiet and not say anything?
• I'm going to lose my hair.
• I didn't want anything to change. I wanted my life to be as normal as possible.
• Would they fire me for needing all this time off?
• I'm going to lose my hair.
• How was I going to pay my bills if I wasn't getting paid? And I really needed that insurance more than ever now.
• What if DJ doesn't want to be with me now?
• I'm going to lose my hair.

After internal debating in my head, there was no way I could disguise this from anyone which means I had to tell everyone. I sent a text to my manager and director sharing the diagnosis and asking if they could tell the team discreetly on Monday before I arrived a little late. There was no way I was going to get it out without breaking down into total mush.

Luckily it was holiday break, and Monday was the only day I was scheduled to be in the office until the new year which helped with needing all that time off for testing. Plus, most of the team was also on PTO helping me from running into too many say eyes and pitied looks until the new year.

My director was very understanding, and we worked out a schedule for the first round of treatments giving me an incredible sense of relief. I, at least, still had a job for phase 1. I would work remote on Friday mornings from Mayo before I began my chemo regimens meaning I was only missing a half day for the first 12 weeks another sense of relief. I could take a deep breath for the holidays, focus on my first treatment, and go from there when we come back in the new year.

This really was a matter of taking it hour by hour then day by day. I did not have the capacity to go much further than that. I was in fight mode at this point. There were not any other options. I couldn't fight or pretend to forget anything that happened over the course of the last 72 hours.

My brother was living out of town at the time and driving home for the holidays, so we waited until he got home that Monday night to tell him. Each day presented a new person to tell and ripping the band aid off over and over again. I was emotionally raw and barely hanging on by a thread. He was in shock but showed little emotion to me anyway. I think everyone was focused on "being strong for me" which I was doing for them. I wish we all could've just broke down in mush and dealt with it, but that wasn't the case.

We met with my Oncologist on Tuesday. She was not very warm and fuzzy or friendly like the surgeon had been, but very knowledgeable and was already prepped on the plan the surgeon shared on Friday. We were going with the double treatments to shorten the total length of time for needed since I was "healthily" enough to handle the higher doses. That still gets me even today as I type I was "healthy" enough to have all this poison pumped into me since I was sick. She also reviewed the type of cancer again along with all the possible side-effects of the treatments and a laundry list of meds I needed to take prior to treatment #1 along with the importance of following the scheduling exactly. There was still a long list of additional tests needed.

I approached the next 2 weeks more like a project management plan taking the emotions out of all the appointments, tests, and exams. It made it easier to feel accomplished after checking each off the list.

Christmas was quiet and solemn as we all tried to act like nothing had changed and everything was normal. Out if sight, out of mind, but it never really was. My mind was running a marathon every minute while putting on a happy face externally for everyone else.

I spent the weekend between Christmas and New Year's with DJ. I have him his first out that weekend. Since I didn't know what was ahead, I didn't expect him to have it all figured out either. I didn't want him wasting his time if it was too much to handle. I mean, I totally understand, this was getting to be too much for myself to understand, if he wanted to bow out now. However, it he chose to stick it out, I needed him to be all in through at least the next 12 weeks as I couldn't take losing him on top of everything else. I needed to control the terms so I could compartmentalize my emotions.

He said he was all in on our relationship and ready to stand by my side. We had been together only 7 months at this point so it was still a new relationship. He had just met my family a month earlier, but I hadn't met his yet. I told him if he wanted me to meet his parents, we needed to set it up before I began to lose my hair or we've have to wait until later that fall when my hair began to come back. Meeting parents is always nerve racking in and out of itself, but add in cancer along with being bald, that takes things to a whole new level. Dinner was scheduled for the 30th. Why not add something else stressful to the already long list?

I had to take a BRCA gene test which required homework to gain a ton of family historic medical information. Cancer did not run in the family, but my family also does not like to talk about these types of things, well, anything really. What's private, should remain private. By gathering all this info, required me telling all these relatives what was happening. So not how I wanted to reach out of the blue to some of them. I also posted a very brief and high-level Facebook post which makes it real, becuase nothing is really real unless it's on social media.

On of meeting DJ's parents on the 30th, I had my first PET scan. All these new tests and experiences raised the anxiety level on what was expected. It wasn't as challenging as an MRI, but emotionally scary, nonetheless. This test was going to tell us if the cancer had spread anywhere else in my body. The worries that the cancer had spread anywhere else in my body hadn't even entered into my mind until they mentioned needing this test and now it hasn't left for a minute. The worst part was getting an IV in the top of your foot. OUCH! I went to dinner straight from the test with my mind wandering whether or not my body was going to light up like last week's Christmas tree from cancer.

Trying to focus on meeting his parents and not breaking down into crazy tears when his mom asked me about the cancer while attempting to make a good impression took every ounce of strength I had left. I also had one ear linked to my phone for a response about the exam which came toward the end of dinner. Luckily it was good news and there was no other signs of cancer in my body. With a sign of relief and finally some good news, I could fully engage in the conversations. I could now worry whether or not I made a good impression.

DJ and I celebrated New Year's Eve day at Mayo.

It started with a chemo class was a lot to take it in and I'm glad he was there to take notes. Was this all really about to happen?

• Try not to eat any of your favorite foods as they may taste differently afterward and your mind may be triggered by negative memories not allowing you to eat them after chemo.
• Some people were not able to use metal silverware during some chemo treatments since the taste buds were heightened and you may only taste the metals.
• They recommended eating a healthy diet, but also encouraged us to eat whatever we could stomach, taste or craved since it could be limited. It was better to eat something versus nothing at all.
• Limit alcohol intake to one or maybe two a day. One guy asked if they meant bottle, not glass. If you're drinking a bottle or more a day, you may have some additional issues on top of chemo.
• Hair loss was varied by each person and treatment regimen. They did say most people who lost their hair grew back curly, could be grey, but the biggest thing that stuck out that it takes months so be patience. That was exactly not what I was hoping to hear.  

The rest of the day was filled with heart tests, more bloodwork, and a consultation on my port insertion which required surgery. Such a 

We rang in the new year quietly with a homemade dinner and watching the fireworks on TV. Finally a quiet evening at home. 

New Year's Day was also as quiet as it could be. Everyone tried not to talk about the first round of treatment the following day. 

• What did I need? 
• Should I prep anything?
• What to expect?
• What do wear?

 All I knew is I wasn't going to be getting much sleep that night.

Thanks for reading my second breast cancer journey blog. I'll pause here and pick back up on my first chemotherapy treatment day. 

Leaving you with ... You're stronger than you think, never stop fighting, and early detection saves lives, it saved mine. XoXo - Jen